Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Randomize
