I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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