He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
These 25 Drunks Should’ve Gotten Cut Off A Long Time Ago
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
27 Freshmen Who Really Didn’t Know What They Were Getting In To
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".