dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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