We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
