I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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