so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
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