You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Randomize
