there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Randomize
