i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
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