I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
