I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
