I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
