I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Pissing in la rieve gfox. Jer zsyuis diu drunk but it felt amazunbg
Dans le librearie ivetre. Hjhaha
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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