Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
