wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Randomize
