I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
