I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
