I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Randomize
