i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize