I wanna bring you to show and tell
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
Randomize
