How'd it feel making her break her religion?
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
