Your dad touched me again.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
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