You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
