Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Randomize
