oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
