Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Randomize
