I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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