I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Randomize
