it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
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