i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
I was not drunk enough for that final.
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