Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
