so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
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