At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
sarcasm needs its own font
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
