i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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