Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
This house was built for laser tag.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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