well I can't set my house on fire every night
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
