I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
