He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
