this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
