its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
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Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
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Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
3 2 1 whiskey
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
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