I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
