Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Randomize
