Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Randomize
