At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
