If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
