The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Randomize
