Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
