it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
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