Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
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