Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
I stole a fireplace last night.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
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