Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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