i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
Randomize
