He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
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