We're like a lot better than the average bears
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize
