did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
