Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
