What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
