allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I wish there were birth control emojis
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
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